Harry Potter Funny One shot series
by ga nat nat
Summary: Just something stupid and idiodic i put together in a day when it rained. enjoy, and read the authors note at the end!
1. Evil Demonic Squirrel

Harry Potter and the Evil Demonic Squirrel that Shall Kill You All 

(A/N: first in my stupid one-shot series of Harry Potter encounters. I don't know why I got this idea, I just did. Read and Enjoy!)

DISCLAIMER: I OWN ABSOLUTLY NOTHING BUT THE PLOT AND THE EVIL DEMONIC SQURREL!

It was a normal day at Hogwarts. The Golden Trio was loaded down on homework, and certain ones (coughcoughharryandron) were behind. They were starting on their insane Divination work when a faint "tip tap" was on the window. They ignored it. It grew louder. "Tip tap". They looked at the window. **"TIP TAP GRRRR"! **

"Oh my gosh, it's a cute little squirrel!" Hermione said, reaching over to let it in.

"Hermione… don't do that," Harry said, and Ron thank.

"Why, it's a innocent squirrel, it's not like it wants to kill us."

Unfortunately, there was a miniature wand in the squirrel's paws. "AVADA KADARVA!" it yelled in its squeaky little voice.

It did hit Ron, but it didn't hurt him, just blew him back a few paces.

"Oh my gosh, it's one of VOLDEMORT'S SQUIRRELS! IT WANTS TO KILL US ALL WITH IT TINY LITTLE WAND AND IT'S TINY LITTLE KILLING CURSE!" Ron said, sarcastically.

"Yes, I do. You shall die. And so will the rest of mankind. THE WORLD SHALL BE MINE!" the squirrel said.

"Oh, really, only if you can get out of my cage. Arcantasa cage!" Hermione conjured a small, squirrel-sized cage over the squirrel.

"Oh, you think your human magic will stop me, do you?" the squirrel started fumbling with the lock.

"HAHA! THE SQUIRREL DOESN'T HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Ron yelled out.

"Engorjia Silencio!" Ron was silenced with an extra powerful silencing spell by the squirrel. "Engorjia Alhohamora!" the lock popped open.

"AHHHAHAHAHAH! THE WORLD SHALL BE MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!"

"Hermione, will you help me do the honors?"

"Yes, I will Harry, if Ron agrees to help."

"Yup!"

Ron went to the window and opened it a crack.

Harry lights his wand on fire and set it to the squirrels tail.

"Wingardium leviosa!" Hermione levitates the flaming squirrel, and flies it to the window, just enough under so that it can be shut.

BANG! The window was shut and the squirrel died. (I won't go into detail for the sake of the queasy readers.)

"That's that."

"Actually, not completely."

A little squirrel came to the window and climbed in, for Ron (being the idiot he is) left it open.

"You killed my brother. PREPARE TO BE SMITTED!"

"BLOODY HELL!"

"Oh, grow up Ronald," Hermione said.

"Hermione, look further out the windows."

She did, and what she saw was…

"OH MY GOD! THERE ARE ABOUT FIFTY MILLION SQUIRRELS WHO WANT TO KILL US ALL!"

Now, if the trio survived, the world may never know…

Hahahaha! I won't do that to you. I'll finish.

"PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE!"

"What is it, Mr. Weasley?"

"IT'S WORSE THAN THE SPIDERS!"

"Oh, dear. I DECLAIR WAR ON THE SQUIRRELS!" Dumbledore exclaimed.

He whipped out his wand and blew up over half of the squirrels in less than a second. BOOM! There went the other half.

"Well, that's that," said Dumbledore leaving the room.

Just then, Ginny came down.

"Oh my gosh! What happened?" she nearly screamed.

"I'll tell you later," said Harry, pulling her into a long, passionate kiss.

"HARRY! COULD YOU NOT DO THAT INFRONT OF ME?" Ron screamed shielding his eyes.

"Oh, Ronald," Hermione said, leaning closer…and closer…and closer…

The next second, it was a snog fest in the Gryffindor Common room. No one, except Harry, Ron, and Hermione, would ever know about the Evil Demonic Squirrel That Wanted to Kill Them All. Other than Dumbledore, of course. Harry never did tell Ginny, they were too busy snogging.

**THE END!**

(A/N: I know, it was sappy at the end. But hey, it was all I could think of. Here's a contest: I'll let you guys review on what you want the next one-shot in the series to be. I will choose the one my friends vote for. You have until next Saturday, May 27, I believe. Don't count on an update for at least a week after that. Oh, yeah, I'll hold these contests after every one-shot I do. In this series, at least. THANKS FOR READING PART 1 OF A LONG SERIES!)


	2. Two Contests Full of Randomness

(A/N: Thanks to Naz in Black who gave me this idea for using Voldemort. This IS a PARODY! Do not read if characters that do not act like their originals easily offend you.)

WARNING: This ONESHOT is a leading cause of blindness, stupidity, side-splitting, mild (not FATAL) heart attacks, loss of brain function, the need to get up and DANCE, squirrels and strange men appearing out of thin air, and horrifically funny images.

Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING THAT YOU RECOGNIZE! I DO OWN THE PLOT (well, me and a friend do…) AND ALL OF MY (new and old) ORIGINAL CHARACTERS! DON'T KILL ME J.K! I DID THE DISCLAIMER!

ONWARD WITH THE STORY!

Two Contests Full of Randomness and Surprises

The Golden Trio was in the Gryffindor Common room looking at the message board. There was nothing interesting on half of it, but the other half was completely taken up by a large poster that read this:

Hogwarts Karaoke and Dance Contest 

Hogwarts is having a school dance! It is not only a dance, but also a Karaoke and Dance contest. As in all contests (Triwizard Tournament excepted) no magic is allowed. You will be judged on your skill in a level, but also on your creativity. Songs will be provided. There is single, duet, and trio. Forms will be provided at your head of house's office. Please specify which kind of group you will enter in.

Signed,

Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry 

"Oh, this is perfect. Not only do we have to worry about dancing, but also singing!" Ron complained loudly.

"Nonsense Ron. Besides it could be fun!" Hermione implied.

"Yeah, Ron. I'm up for it." Harry agreed.

"Oh really, Harry. You couldn't sing to save your life!" Ron said scornfully.

"That's what YOU think, Ron. You and your completely oblivious mind." Harry said, completely speaking the truth.

"Oh, what ever. And what do you mean, completely oblivious? I happen to realize everything that's going on around me," Ron defended.

"Oh what ever, Ron. You can't even see that I…" Hemione trailed off, and looked down are her feet.

"That you what?" Ron said.

"Oh, never mind. It's not even really your concern," Hermione lied.

"Ok then… Well, what are we waiting for? Hermione, do you want to enter?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, Harry, I'll be your Duet, but Ron has to promise to enter the dance contest with me, or I force him to sing," Hermione said, looking at Ron, who was out in la-la-land.

"EARTH TO RON!" Hermione yelled, right in Ron's ear.

"DAMN IT HERMIONE!"

"Did you even hear what I said?"

"Oh, yeah, you said that you'll enter with Harry in the dancing contest if I promise to enter the singing contest with you." (A/N: heh. Notice the obvious confusion!)

"And?"

"Yea, sure, I'll do it."

"Oh, yay Ron! I love you!" Hermione said, then realizing what she had said looked at her feet (A/N: she does that a lot, as you can tell.) blushing.

Harry was completely dumb struck. He had agreed to enter the singing contest with Hermione, because he could sing. But he couldn't dance to save his life. This was going to be one interesting night!

Later that night, after Hermione had entered them all in the agreed courses, Harry secretly went to Professor McGonagal's office and got an application form for singing. He filled it out and put it in the stack. Boy, was the trio in for a surprise.

The next day, Saturday, came with great anticipation from the entire school. Today was the Dance/Karaoke contest. Harry still hadn't told the others about his new application, and he wasn't planning on it either. (A/N: I'll skip part of the day and get right to right before the contests, because I'm sure you're waiting for the funny to start.)

It was evening before you knew it. Ron kept making trips to the bathroom for his nerves to set in, but it wasn't as bad as it would've been. Once Ron was pretty much better, the trio went to the common room to get ready. Hermione had a surprise for each of them.

"Ok, Ron. When we are on stage, we are singing a slow ballad. I'll be wearing this," she held up a drop dead gorgeous pale green dress with a slit up to the knee on the left side. "And you will be wearing this," she held up a black tuxedo with a bow tie that matched the color of her dress instead of the typical black or white one.

"Harry, when we do our dance, we are dancing to a rather fast salsa dance and I'll be wearing this," she held up yet another drop dead gorgeous red two piece short skirt dress with frills "and you will be wearing this," she held up a red shirt that had shimmered and black pants.

"Your shoes are up in the dormitories, because I didn't really have enough arm room to carry all of that. So, Harry, Ron, go get dressed, and I'm going to go dress in my salsa outfit so me and Harry can practice some more," (A/N: they had practiced into the night, and Harry had been forced to drink about 3 cups of coffee and cast an energizing spell on himself.) "Ron, the lyrics are up in the dormitory also. Read through them and maybe even sing a bit. I've made sure that the common room will be empty, and so will the dorm, so we will be all alone. We're the only Gryffindors participating in our division. Everyone else is being forced to practice somewhere else. Hop to it!"

They went to their dormitories and got dressed.

RPOV

'Bloody hell! Why is Hermione doing this to me! Brain: You volunteered! Ron: that's because I was too busy thinking about what Hermione was going to say. Brain: Look at the song… Ron: What does that have to do with anything! It's called "Without You" so what! Oh… Brain: NOW you get it. She's trying to tell you that she LOVES you. Ron: I better practice hard then.'

HPOV

'I FORGOT ABOUT THE LYRICS! OH DAMN! Wait, what's this?' Harry had just seen a piece of paper on top of his shoes. It read:

Potter,

I have taken it upon myself to get you a song that best suits your personality. Don't think I have not heard you singing in the halls, for I have. This song will also suit your vocal range. It will challenge you. One of my favorite muggle artists sings it.

Wishing you the best of luck,

Professor McGonagal 

Harry moved the paper aside and saw that she had given him a song called "Nothing Without You". 'Oh, GREAT! I'm going to be thinking about Ginny during the entire song! Brain: That proves that you love her still! H: True, I do, but…' his thoughts trailed off and he realized that Ron was at his bed humming in a truly GOOD soft tenor voice. 'That's going to be hard to beat. Hermione's going to be surprised. I wonder what they're singing?'

End of POV

Harry went down to join Hermione in the common room. The floor had been changed into a magnificent dance floor, but Hermione wasn't there. He went to the steps of the girl's dormitory and called her name.

"Just a second Harry! I couldn't find my earrings!" Hermione yelled down to him.

Harry went to the couch and waited. Just waited, and then, she came down the stairs.

Harry almost let his jaw drop down. She looked absolutely gorgeous in that two-piece dress, along with light blush, red eye shadow, and red lipstick, her hair was pulled up into a tight yet messy bun.

"Harry? Are you ok?" she asked.

"Hmmehdah, hmmehdah, hummehdah…" was all he could get out.

Hermione just giggled. "You don't look bad yourself. Come on, let's practice."

"Ok…"

Hermione and Harry joined, and she started the music with the heel of her shoe. They were dancing to "Survivor" by a muggle girl group named Destiny's Child.

After about twenty minutes of practicing, they had the dance perfect. Harry went up to get Ron, and Hermione went and changed into her singing gown. Harry sent Ron to go down to the Great Hall and wait for them, and also told Hermione the same. He went up to the room and changed into his singing outfit. McGonagal had also supplied that. It was a white shirt with a small slit in the front and black pants with Indian-like print at the end. He put some jell in his hair to make it seem that it would lie flat, but it didn't, looked at his appearance, was happy with it, grabbed his lyrics, and walked down to the Great Hall, going over them in his head all the way. He had heard this song before. It was a great one.

"Harry, what are you wearing?" Hermione asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I… uhh… entered the singing contest on my own…" Harry replied, shuffling his feet a bit.

"Oh! That's so cool! Good luck!" Hermione left to go find Ron.

Where ever Ron was…

Ron was just idling and being nervous about screwing up the song. Then he saw Hermione. She looked GREAT in that green dress. It really brought out her eyes. She had quickly changed her makeup so that it enhanced her appearance, and had (or had Parvarti and Lavender) put her hair up in a French twist with curls framing her face, much like it was at the Yule Ball.

"Wow, Hermione. You look… GREAT! OH MY GOD! YOU LOOK HOT ACTUALLY!" Ron blurted out before he could stop himself, then his ears commenced to turn a bright red.

"Thanks, Ron. You look good yourself," Hermione said, also blushing.

"Thanks… Well, we better get up on stage then," Ron said, ears still red.

"Yes, we should."

Since they were the first couple, the got right on stage and went to their microphones.

The music started, and Ron sang first, in an amazingly soft and sweet voice that Hermione never expected. (A/N Hermione will sing in _italicized and underlined _Ron in just _italicized_ and both in **bold**.)

_Never even thought to cry,_

_When I heard you say goodbye,_

_Never said where you were going,_

_There's no laughter in the air,_

_Only silence everywhere,_

_And so much left unspoken,_

_Since you've been gone,_

_I haven't been the same,_

_I wish that I could see,_

_Who's to blame?_

_Without you, where do I belong?_

_Without you, how can I go on?_

_No love but yours will ever do,_

_Tell me how am I supposed to live,_

_My life without you?_

Now Hermione came in a soft voice, so beautiful, so sweet.

_Was I lost in you and me?_

_To the point I couldn't see,_

_That what we had was dying,_

_Now it's all that I can do_

To see photographs of you 

_And stop myself from crying,_

_I should learn,_

_To live with out your love,_

**Got so many memories,**

_But it's,_

Not enough! 

**With out you where do I belong,**

**With out you how can I go on,**

_No love but (no love but),_

**Yours will ever do,**

_Tell me,_

**How am I supposed to?**

**Live my life**

_With out you_

_I feel helpless,_

_And oh so all alone,_

_Ooo, like I never felt before!_

_You made me feel alive (ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)_

But I don't remember what it's like 

**Anymore,**

_Without you,_

Where do I belong 

**With out you, **

**How do I go on?**

**No love( **_no love but **yours will ever do**_

_Tell me,_

**How am I supposed to live my life?**

_With out yoooooooooooooooou (with out you, where do I belong)_

_Where do I belong?_

_With out you how do I go on?_

_Tell me,_

**How am I supposed to?**

**Live my life,**

_With out you,_

_Oh baby,_

_Where do I belong?_

_Without you,_

_Please tell me,_

_How can I go on,_

_**With out you**, Hermione?_

Ron added that last bit on his own. He knew it was time. Hermione looked at him. It seemed the entire crowd was looking at him.

HrPOV

'Oh my God! What is Ron saying? He just did so perfectly on that song. And now he's telling me that he can't go on without me? Wow! So totally awesome moment!'

End of POV

They were still standing on stage. Gazing into each other's eyes. Ron suddenly leaned forward and kissed her gently on the lips. "Hermione, would you go out with me?" He asked her.

Hermione nodded her head yes, and smiled. She took his hand and led him off stage.

"I've been waiting for you to ask me that for a long time, Ron. It's about bloody time that you did!" Hermione scolded him jokingly.

"I was afraid to. You know my nerves." Ron defended.

"I was only joking. Hey, I'm going to go get ready for the dance. Harry's the last before the contest, and I don't want to be late. I better get his costume to," Hermione was about to go off when Ron stopped her.

"Wait, Harry's singing? I didn't even know he bloody signed up! Whoa. I miss a lot these days!" Ron said, and Hermione laughed.

A few minutes later…

Harry was up next. Ron and Hermione were standing in the back holding hands. 'Well,' he thought, ' I'm glad they finally got together. Now I just have to get through this song!'

Harry signaled that he was ready for the music to begin. It began and he started singing in a rough rocker style voice.

We've been through this over for a thousand times  
Come on, come on, come on  
Tell me what's on your mind  
It doesn't matter baby what I say  
You never seemed to hear me anyway

When push comes to shove  
It's never enough  
It always comes down to something  
How could I live  
Why would I try  
I could learn to live without you  
But that's a lie  
No giving in, no saying goodbye  
All comes down to one thing that,

_All of this means nothing without you  
All of this means nothing without you _

I thought I saw you reach up  
Thought I saw you try  
Waiting here for something, nothing's all I find  
Kneeling at your alter standing on the shore  
Writing now to listen, I'm outside the door

When push comes to shove  
It's never enough  
It always comes down to something  
How could I live  
Why would I try  
I could learn to live without you  
But that's a lie  
No giving in, no saying goodbye  
All comes down to one thing that all of this means nothing without you  
I won't give up, I ain't giving in, no, cause you know I won't let you down  
How could I live  
Why would I try  
I could learn to live without you  
But I would die  
No giving in, no saying goodbye  
All comes down to one thing that all of this means nothing without you  
Why would I try  
I could learn to live without you  
But that's a lie

_No giving in, no saying goodbye  
All comes down to one thing that all of this means nothing without you_

Harry decided to add something to the last line, on the spur of the moment._  
That all of this means nothing without you, Ginny._

She had been watching her now ex-boyfriend singing the entire time. Now she looked up. She saw him looking at her. She suddenly realized what that song meant. She realized that he wanted her back. She wanted him back. She looked at him again, and nodded.

HPOV

'Why did I add that to the last line? She must have heard me. She's looking at me. She's nodding her head. Is this what I think it means? Brain: Of course it is! Idiot! She wants to get back with you! Harry: Yes! **Does victory dance** oh, wait, better not do that. I'm embarrassing my self. Shit!'

End of POV

Ginny ran right up to Harry once he had gotten off stage after embarrassing himself and gave him a hug. "YAYAYAY! HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!" she yelled.

"Wow. This is NOT how I expected this would be. I was just going to ask you out after the song and tell you I love you. Not expecting you to come up to me and scream your Happy Scream!"

Ginny snapped out of it. "I love you, too."

"This was just going to be a sappy romantic scene not a hyper scene, but nooooo…"

"Did you even hear what I said?"

"Yeah, you said you loved me. But- wait…" Harry considered this for a minute, his small brain have trouble taking it all in. "That means we're in love. OH MY GOD! WE'RE IN LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!" he practically screamed that last bit and swooped Ginny up into a big kiss. Hermione, who was holding his costume, interrupted him.

"Sorry, but our dance is up soon. I hate to interrupt you're snog fest with my best friend, but you need to go get dressed, mister." She handed his costume, and sent him off.

A few minutes later…

Harry and Hermione were on the dance floor and on opposite sides. They signaled for the music to start and it did. In the instrumental, they walked together. Then came the lyrics…

_Now that you're out of my life_ (get together and join hands)  
_I'm so much better_ (Hermione flings her head back and kicks her leg catches on Harry's shoulder.  
_You thought that I'd be weak without you_ (Harry swings her around with Hermione's arms flailing)  
_But I'm stronger_ (Hermione un latches her leg and stands up by herself and takes a strong pose.)  
_You thought that I'd be broke without you_ (Harry Jumps over her head)  
_But I'm richer_ (Hermione rolls on back)  
_You thought that I'd be sad without you_ (Hermione mimes crying)  
_I laugh harder_ (Harry comes and mimes tickling and her maniacal laughter)  
_You thought I wouldn't grow without you_ (Harry picks her up)  
_Now I'm wiser_ (Harry swings her around)  
_Though that I'd be helpless without you_ (Harry brings her down and she does splits between his legs)  
_But I'm smarter_ (Hermione get's up and Harry flips her over him, she does a double back flip)  
_You thought that I'd be stressed without you_ (Hermione walks away)  
_But I'm chillin'_ (they shimmy towards each other)  
_You thought I wouldn't sell without you_ (Hermione slides down into splits)  
_Sold 9 million_ (Harry jumps over her in a spread move) (loud applause)

_I'm a survivor_ _(What?)_ (Hermione does strong pose)  
_I'm not gon'' give up (What?)_ (Harry comes towards the audience and does a spin move)  
_I'm not gon' stop (What?)_ (Hermione runs and jumps on Harry's shoulders)  
_I'm gon' work harder (What?)_ (Harry flips her forwards)  
_I'm a survivor (What?)_ (Hermione lands cleanly, and tumbles on the ground)  
_I'm gonna make it (What?)_ (Harry picks her up)  
_I will survive (What?)_ (Hermione in cradle position, Harry swings her around)  
_Keep on survivin' (What?)_ (Harry puts her down on the floor)

_After of all of the darkness and sadness_ (Hermione get's up and hides head in his shirt)  
_Soon comes happiness_ (Pop's up and Harry flips her backwards, 3x)  
_If I surround my self with positive things_ (Hermione circles Harry)  
_I'll gain prosperity_ (Harry picks her up, swings in close to the ground, throws her in the air, she does 3 turns, he catches her) (loud applause and cheering)

_I'm a survivor (What?)_ (Hermione "raises the roof")(Harry leans towards her)

_I'm not gon' give up (What?)_ (They walk together)  
_I'm not gon' stop (What?)_ (Join Hands)  
_I'm gon' work harder (What?)_ (Harry takes a step backwards she follows)  
_I'm a survivor (What?)_ (Harry pulls her into a big combo spin move she does all spinning)  
_I'm gonna make it (What?)_ (Pulls out)  
_I will survive (What?)_ (Harry lifts Hermione up in the air and onto shoulders)  
_Keep on survivin' (What?)_ (Pause… on "What" they cup their ears with one hand each and lunge towards the audience.) (Audience: "KEEP ON SURVIVIN'")

Hermione and Harry got loud applause from the audience. They just smiled and hugged at how good they had done! Then Professor McGonagal came on the dance floor and said, "Now for our special guests. Please give it up for the now good Lord Voldemort and the Death Eaters!"

Suddenly the wall moved back to reveal Lord Voldemort and a few of his Death Eater cronies. They started playing some hard rock music. Then, suddenly, the ceiling cracked and a random girl (A/N: this is my friend's part of the plot!) with dark brown hair, and dressed like a gothic fell threw it.

"Now where did Kevin go?" she asked herself, then turned around and saw Lord Voldemort and the Death Eaters. "AHHHHHHHH!" she screamed, and then ran. The Death Eaters chased her to convince her they were good.

Seconds later, a random guy (coughcoughKEVINcoughcough) fell through the ceiling also. He had a bass guitar around his shoulder and a weird expression on his face. "Hey, this isn't my Para Para dance lesson with Yura-Sama and Aya!" he exclaimed. Then he turned into a monkey and scrambled back through the ceiling.

Everyone in Hogwarts looked at the hole weird for a second, and then heard screaming. Suddenly, a very scared looking blond (this is me!) fell through the hole. Her hair was wavy, because she had put it up in braids, and because it was like that, she looked A LOT like Hermione.

"HOLY CRICKET! You're Hermione Granger! You rule all!" she screamed, and ran to Hermione.

"Ummm…."Hermione said.

"Ok, well, that's my surprise for today. Time to go!" the blonde said, and then she sprouted wings and flew through the hole in the ceiling.

THE END!

Amber: HEY WHAT ABOUT ME! DO I JUST GET TO STAY HERE AND DIE?

Ga Nat Nat: Yesh…

Amber: Your one sick and twisted girl, GA Nat Nat!

Ga Nat Nat: Mwhahahaha! Oh yeah, if you want through, I could always turn you into a monkey, like I did with Kevin.

Kevin: Oo oo ahh ahh!

Amber: No thanks. How about a bird?

Ga Nat Nat: Fine…

Amber: **turns into bird** flies out

Amber: Tweet tweet (translated- now turn me back)

Ga Nat Nat: Ummmmm… that might be a problem… **runs**

(A/N: I know, very lengthy. Oh, I took the part between Harry and Ginny for Full House, when Jesse and Rebecca were in Nevada and he asks her to marry him. I just thought it was to funny to pass up! Well, hope you enjoyed!)


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